well hello there, eternal despair

my head is just spinning. this is the first time i feel like so much is piled up on just me. this is the last time it'll sound like i'm complaining. because i really am thankful. and at this point, it really feels like i am suspended in air, bare to anything bad or good that could come my way. i didn't think about the possibility of being scared until i called lauren today and she asked me if i was. it's weird because it's not scary at all. but when i look at it with the question of fear, i find all sorts of reasons to freak out. money is the greatest, but i trust in it the least. does that make sense? it's nice to be near the equator because nature isn't threatening change in seasons or cold weather. the mosquitoes have even give me a break, as i've been sleeping in a hammock on my friend's porch. reggae in the morning, reggae at night. it's just everything swirling at once. i feel like i sound like a broken record when i say it's hard. i ask myself a lot why i came down here. i don't have much to say for myself. which gives way to being sad and not knowing why. it's a cycle i'm searching for the momentum to just break. in the mean time, i don't even like talking about it because it's stupid, but i need to in order to drain and have you ever looked someone in the face while emoting in one language and they just look through you because they only speak the other? if not, use your imagination. this is the solitude i asked for, this is the solitude that i will learn from. now is the time when i'm writing devistating and haunting prose in a postcard's place so sign up if you want a piece of that.
after reading bethany's words about poverty's struggle and public action, i remind myself that i don't want to waste any more time than is necessary in my self-involved dramas. it's time to stop contimplating action and just get shit done. besides, punta mona might be offering me a full ride work trade, so there's a chance i'm going back to costa rica to live. but i don't want to say anything until i'm sure. sorry i'm a blubbering emotional mess. just be glad i don't have the dengue that's going around, knock on wood.