scene ii: the pink carpet

since i sleep in the living room of our christmas beach rental, i get to be around when santa distributes. there she is, sleepy-eyed slender lady snipping apart little japanese confections but avoiding the plate of rum balls and chocolate-covered peanut-butter stuffed pretzles. mom is sitting in one of the plastic patio chair pulled up as close to the lamp as she can get--furiously knitting a purple hat she's been working on since they left virginia. santa/deb just switched off the faux fireplace because she's worried the heat will melt the stocking contents. can you imagine? it's christmas morning and you reach into that faithful red sock only to retrieve little rice crackers heat sealed in crusty plastic with the print so distorted not even bob could tell if it says sesame or plain.
we just finished "it's a wonderful life". i cried. a lot. the kicker for me was, of course, at the end when all his friends came with the money. i have seen this movie countless times but not actually until tonight. how sweet it is to feel who your friends are. the ones who want to see you shine, prosper. the ones who want to hear your stories. maybe even the ones that are glad to be couped up in a beach house or a small town with you. maybe it actually is a wonderful life. i'm trying to kick this bad habit of needing more from the moment than it actually has, or believing the illusion of lack, however you want to look at it. i'm trying to love each game of boggle or cranium, appreciate each hug and meal, make space for different view points, etc. i feel like it shouldn't be this hard. but it is. and i am probably still healing from a lot of things. the river just got deeper, at least i know that for sure.
in the spirit of prayer, because there's been a fair share of that floating around here, i'm asking the source for grace. grace enough to float more and flail less. grace enough to see my family wholly, without needing them to be different for me. grace enough to forgive myself for what feels like failed attempts at life and love over the past couple years.