sub-surface pressure

it's easier to talk about
doing?
"experiment with a more brazen lack of discretion," says astro barry.
digression, secretion. i'm a bit confused as to when charlottesville became toxic(?). places are places; people change. the thing about this place--physically, emotionally, every ally--is how i reacted to its challenge, the challenge that is every combination of person & environment. i feel i was shown the innerworkings of success stories; a hub of the centrifical forces of life substance. awe then a brick wall. trying, testing, ignoring. predisposition in the shape of hopeless romanticism. i adored her, fell in love with her. so its a funny thing to step back and discover a broken heart. when did she wrong me? a strained neck & sweaty grip. not a funny thing. ryan says its projection. i agree. then again, i agree with most things. the energies here have been melancholy; a mix of reverence & unsettledness, depression & healthy movement. (what's new?) 'i am a serious adult.'
there's too much fucking theory in the way i've been living. slate hill phil died of an overdose two nights ago. phil is dead and i am alive. i am alive and not dead. but am i living? yes, the answer is yes. but i'm not living fully. doing what you want is important. most people seem to be in on this secret. except it's not a secret and they're not wearing masks. i guess one gets what one asks for. and i asked not to see bare hearts, souls, knees. naked hearts, skinned knees. i didn't want truth because it was too much. but artifice is too little. much too not enough.
i'd rather hear the lyrics and read the pages and channel and emote and draw and say what i mean and see the underneath. i'd rather project love and openness from the center than bleed accommodation from my pores. i'd rather jump in than cycle through theories of the deep. i really hope that moving from charlottesville isn't an escape. bakersfield has proved its toxicity, paralization. places are places; people change. i'm not going to lie: i want to be gone yesterday. but this anxiety makes me wonder what it is that i think philly has. all it has is new walls for my shit. different vessels for the same ideas. the question i need to be asking is what are those ideas? where is the center that i want to project from?
young, impulsive. i almost mistook running for freedom. i guess sometimes real freedom is staying where you are, doing it well, doing it until the end. the city will be mine to the extent, in the ways & for the duration that i want. that's just the way things are going to work. in the same ways, the country is mine and will be here always. (time and space might heal our relationship)
so although i'm not really starting over, i am. it's healthy to manipulate your environment in such a way that your timid changes grow [with] confidence. it's healthy to exchange energies with new people. i feel like sticking up for myself. i feel like seeing what brazen is like. abrasion? ...so be it.