chapter three: nothing is sad

a little hungover, dirt under the nails, mascara smeared, i can still feel his hand moving over my back. up down up down left right up down. apologies were hardly in order and, honestly, she is relieved. this girl. this one, right here. this morning when the sun came through the purple curtain and i focused on the japanese men dancing on the christmas card, i realized that they have arrived. they are here. reverence. despite the pain in my brain, i am glad to be awake for the morning light. light. light. i can't tell which one has happened, is happening, the lightening of the weight of my sea, or the merging of the chosen rivers into my sea. maybe a little of both? a little in, a little out. a lot different. evidence of sin. it represents more than mastrubation. i shaved my legs and my night ended on a sidewalk after the spelling bee. jacq, our conversation is exactly where i am at right now. the moments of dissapointment matter less when hope & investment teach you what really matters. right now my hope is in assertion, existance, reverance, and wholsomeness. investment is in self and slowly more daily life, less imagined future. seeing truth, cutting through the bullshit. friendships. listening. people say "i'm sorry but..." let's just do what we mean and get real. honestly. i don't know. i feel like my intention over the past while is in my muscles now, in a closer realm than my mind. (is there a closer realm than my mind?) i feel a little let down by the ones let in (they did not ask to be so). but at the same time, all the more aware of doing it myself. choosing my intimacies. this is what i wrote in my journal this morning before chapter three started:
how to suffer well, acceptance, leaving & coming back. i am here. i have scars and i have a leaf from rose's house and they prove i am here. weight is good. saying it. being there. it's mostly about being there, saying it. it's all about those things for no other reason than they are the first before everything else. because, after them, you find a release into the realm of potential. limitless realm, this one is. there is no reason why they are first because they are no more special or important than the others. but they are the door and i didn't know it until now.
jacq bird, just show up. be there. say it. and i will too. be it, and everything comes after that. you know? steering choices.
i've said too much.
crystal stars shining above a wonderful heart