patriot day 2k6

been saying "change" a lot but that singular term doesn't suffice anymore. it's more than change. it's achey. the leaves are at the end of their lives, displaying their final green. nights are colder; the air has lifted a bit and given us a warning of winter. many friends are re-arranging all at once this month. just a few weeks from my birthday feels like home. autumn is my season. i figured out that i don't cry in as much as i used to. the ways i express my dissatisfaction are sleeping all day, not cleaning my room, not showering, not doing yoga or eating especially well. not caring. i'm not getting my portfolio done, which is a horrible chance to take. its the choices that neutrality makes for you (ie deterioration) that get at me. if i'm not feeling up to maitenance of life, or not in a conveinent rut, i'm sliding. that's a little over-dramitic, by the way. i don't want to sit here all day and talk about myself, but yes i do, but i'm just trying to figure stuff out. it is so fucking painful to see the action/reaction of leaving, especially now in caroline, and soon in me. i secretly know i'm built alright for this stuff. built to love, for optimism, and even more. maybe i'm lying to myself but i believe it. i see it, in ways that i love the un-deserving (except i don't believe in that), the un-solicited. i don't know why i care. yes i do. because of a choice? i don't know. things are finely messey, delicately chaotic. i'm not emotional. i'm sick of alchohol, sick of sex, of being stoned, of being confused.